Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.